get things off my chest

right now im in a shit mood

and my friend who i still obviously consider a friend and will always consider him a friend doesnt seem to realise after all these years that when i am in a particular mood and i request to be left alone, then that mean fucking leave me alone.

right now i hv a lot on my mind in terms of school changing and exams and music and love life and stuff and it is getting increasingly ever so difficult to juggle around everything.

today this friend decided that it was a good time to try and coach me through the school situation by giving an examplewith his sister now when im in this particular mood and he of all people should know, you could be talking about the latest model of my favorite guitar company and i realy would not care, and when i told him specifically look i rly rly rly dnt care, he took offence to it

now this leads me t think that he still doesnt know me which i guess is partly my fault.

even though i am a very social person and i help people blindly and i would do anything for anyone (within reason) i still don't have anyone which rly knows me inside and out as a true best friend should know you. i tend to know many people like that because i tend to care about other people too much to the point of their problems becoming my burden to bear.

i just dont understand how people who i believe have come quite close to knowing me the real me, still dont get the most basic concepts of me meaning if i say something i mean it and when i say leave me alone i mean leave me the fuck alone because they will get hurt if i crack and i will hurt our friendship.

till now i hv been fortunate and unfortunate at the same time because certain people kept prodding at me when i clearly was uncomfortable and didnt want to talk and all they did was push harder until i got so mad at them that i broke off all contact with said people and i hvnt talked to them since, fortunate because most the people which prod me by accident and i crack understand that i am truly sorry afterwards.

its just that with me, my emotion and my feelings come out in jolts, mostly anger. the few people who rly rly know me well know i write lyrics and music and when they read the lyrics some of them say, "Is this really how you feel?" because they will be the most negative and violent lyrics you have ever heard because anger is the only real emotion i hv trouble releasing and when it comes out it all just comes out.

one day i will post some lyrics in this blog just for the readers to see what sort of hatred builds up in me and believe me it isnt easy carrying all that around in your mind day in and day out.

to anyone i have hurt due to my rage ... i am truly sorry but that is just who i am. it is a flaw which i have learnt to somewhat keep at bay with my lyrics but if something happens and i cant write as was the case in this past month or son then when i say leave me alone i need a little time then respect that

and to anyone who doesnt respect the fact that i want to be alone please please i beg of you to try and leave me alone anyway becasue i could be your best friend someday but if you make me crack i will crack and i will swear and i wil hurt you. i will find your insecurities and your defects in character and i will literally make them bleed until you are feeling as shit as i will be feeling, and we both dont want that.

sorry

i know i suck at updating and the other blog i hv with my friends is suffering a lot too but then again who cares its not like we are important lool

a quick round up of what happened is i am honest and i want to be honest all the time and so i get crucified because of it.

i tend to want to be myself rather than conforming to fit how society wants me to be, and so i stand out and am called wierd, gay, retarded, stupid and ugly ... if you tend to make these assumptions about people before you ever actually meet someone than all those adjectives apply to you tenfold.

it is so stupid to judge people. i mean surely every single one of us has once seen someone in an outrageous outfit and laughed at someones expense but as long as we dnt make a habit of it and make the person feel miserable then thats fine.

it is fine in my books to make fun at peoples expense but within reason ... i mean you cant help laughing if someone falls a particular way but then if you see he is hurt rather than continue laughing you have to have the decency to walk up and help him. you have to be ready to help any random stranger who might need your help.

remember the best laughter is when you can look at yourself and laugh. and the funniest jokes are generally centered on you. the funniest stories are centered on you. and when you tell these storied people can tell if they should laugh or not depending on how, the ppl can either laugh if you are serious meaning they are not your true friends but just people who keep you around, or they can be the people who are ready to laugh at your stories but help you at any time ... those are real friends.

i like to think i am one of the people who will try to help anyone as is necessary but then again people will judge me as wierd because i am different and might refuse my help or think twice about asking for it

to those people ...

a big FUCK YOU is in order

cheerio

happy 2008 btw

the freak